I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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