I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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