I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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