I wish I could teleport
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
