Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
