Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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