At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
