Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
