my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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