I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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