first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
