And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
