Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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