Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
