I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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