HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
