Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
