Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
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Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
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Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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