Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
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Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
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She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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