Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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