I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
