1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
