Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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