Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
