This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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