mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
