Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Small penises have feelings too.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
this hospital has no fireball
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
