I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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