I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
