Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
