Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
