Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
