there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
