I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
