I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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