and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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