Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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