apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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