if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
