You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
