i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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