Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Dicks are not precious.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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