i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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