so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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