in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
