If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?