the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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