He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
