My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
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Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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