I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
