I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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