yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
