i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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