he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
