Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
how drunk are you?
Several
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
