I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
