I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
