Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
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I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
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Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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