I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
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No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
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Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.