Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
