very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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